Wednesday, April 18, 2007

"You make me wanna... BLAHGHHGHGHHHHH"

In dating, there always seem to an inverse relationship between looks and brains that can be applied to either of the sexes. I had met S at a mutual friend's dinner. From across the room there was this gorgeous specimen of a man who definitely should have been squarely in the dumb-as-dirt quadrant on the brains to looks diagram; however, an hour into the dinner, I found myself bantering along. A couple days later, our dinnertime banter turned into work-hours MSN chatter. A week later, I found myself at a weekday dinner with him again, sans the other people.

Things were going great. Here was a guy seemed like the full package: funny, smart, good looking... So we made plans to meet up for a Friday night dinner and drinks. Dinner went much like all the other times, good food and good company, wherein he tossed back a several drinks. "Hey," I thought to myself, "it's a Friday night. He's probably just loosening up." After dinner we met up with his friends and he proceeded to buy everyone and himself drinks every ten minutes. "Wow, what a generous guy." I thought to myself as I sipped on my first drink and watched him and his friends toss back drinks like prohibition imminent and this was the last night to get their jollies in.

The drinks with friends turned into a game of pool with friends. As I watched him score the winning shot, I'll admit it, I was pretty turned on. After all, in the words of Napoleon Dynamite, "Girls like men with skills." His skill apparently was the ability to maintain good hand eye coordination even after consuming 9 gin and tonics. Hot stuff.

He came over to me with a proud grin on his face. "Good work," I congratulated him and gave him a squeeze on his arm. Then he pulled me closer and for the first time in two weeks, conversation halted. We kissed. It was magical. Birds sang, I felt woozy. Then we kissed some more... and some more...and then we became the couple that everyone (including myself) makes fun of at bars. But I didn't care. He was hot. He was funny. He was perfect. "How about we go somewhere else quieter?" he murmured in my ear. Heady from alcohol and the lack of oxygen during the last ten minutes, I nodded mutely.

He led me out of the rowdy pool hall, away from his buddies and we went in search of quieter environs. At the new bar (which happened to coincidentally be my favorite), we nestled up on a couch. He ordered us drinks. He ordered himself more drinks. He ordered himself more drinks again (I was still on my first). "Mmmm, C" he slurred slightly, "you're a good kisser." It's amazing how being good looking can make tottering drunkeness seem almost okay. "Thanks," I beamed. "No, really," he leaned closer, "you make me wanna...BLAGHGHHGHGHHGHGHGHG." To my horror (and his) instead of sweet nothings flowing from his mouth, there came a steady stream of that night's dinner floating in a river of alcohol splattering all over the floor and on my new Calvin Kleins. He lept up with alarm in his eyes and soundlessly sped out of the bar.

I haven't heard from him since. I have also not revisited that bar. So much for happy endings.

Tuesday, April 17, 2007

Can anyone read this? Who the fuck knows...

Yes, yes, yes. We've been extraodinarily lazy with blogspot on the fritz in China again. Good thing readers haven't been.

After we read this peice of email we didn't know whether to laugh or cry. So we did both... while eating a tub of Haagan Daaz.

"My name is M, and I would like to write an honest letter to you, with my point of view and life experience here in China.

When I first came to China I did so with a fiancée, but shortly afterwards (as other foreigners) I left my fiancée and began a life of “debauchery”. I guess I changed, or maybe this “dirty guy” has always being with me, but never allowed him to truly show himself until I came here. Or maybe was just temptation.

I am not handsome, and you would not spot me on the street, but I have learned my way in here. I began cheating on my fiancée, and cheating of the girlfriend I had afterwards, lying to whatever girlfriend I had so to sleep around with others, having at one point four girlfriends at the same time. Is nothing to be proud of, but is the truth.

Now I have evolved, I no longer cheat. I currently have several women, and while they don’t know about each other they know they are in a non-exclusive relationship. Some I seen daily, some weekly, some when I feel like. I change them from time to time, because more often than not they develop “feelings” for me and become more attached. Of course, having such stock at my disposal I don’t make space for monogamous relationships. Sometimes I play the gentleman, sometimes I play the bad boy, and at every turn I improve my game. I make women laugh and I make them suffer. Funnily, this combination works like a charm in most girls.

I just turned 30, and when I walk on the streets I realize how even a single smile grant me a one night stand. It happened to me more times I care to remember. How would I want to stop it? In my hometown we always say: Health, money and love, so I want you to think about this: Imagine you are in good health (thank god for condoms) and you have enough money. Now imagine love is all around. Imagine you can virtually have almost any boy or girl you fancy (I had from students to models), free or charge, who will try anything to win your heart, because you seem like a good guy to them. Would you say no to that?

I have a stable job, I cook, I clean the house, I dance salsa, I can speak a few languages and know many jokes, I love foreplay and I enjoy romantic movies. I am also respectful, and never give names of any woman I have been with. I don’t ask too many questions. And I am the prototype of the “new-age” laowai. More like us will come in the future, and more girls will come to mayor cities, providing us with the fun. At the end of the day, when they feel they can not marry any of us, they will settle for an old man or a Chinese guy of their age.

Sometimes I play the gentleman, sometimes I play the bad boy, and at every turn I improve my game. I make women laugh and I make them suffer. Funnily, this combination works like a charm in most girls.

Of course I did not get every single girl I tried to have sex with, but then again I have more chances than days in the week. This is my promise land.

You can not stop this, because nobody is being forced. The only losers are the ones taking things for granted. I don’t make promises, so if a girl thinks that because I had sex with her I will marry her, that is her own problem.

I don’t fall in love, although I occasionally get hurt, but is all worth. I love to have different women and different bodies whenever I please. Is the best feeling in the world.

This is not my only feeling. This is promise land for any man. There is no longer needed to have money or a position. And the best part is, most girls are even grateful. We always tell them white lies “sorry, I can not have this relationship because my mother disagree” “because I am sick” “because I work too many hours”…any noble excuse is enough, or even just disappear. The girl will believe you are a great guy, not knowing that we are already with another one.

I don’t look down on Chinese, or look down on girls. I don’t care. I am here to take as much as I can while I can. I am not evil, just a man. Maybe a man who is good in bed, but that’s all.

I am not trying to make any point. Just hope this letter can clarify things."

Sunday, April 1, 2007

Just a note...

With blogspot being blocked once again and us being incredibly not computer savvy, if you have a comment you're hoping for us to read, you'll have to email it to us directly. By the way, we know about anonymouse and conclude that, like many of the men we end up dating in China, its performance is spotty and inconsistent at best. ZING!