Thursday, January 22, 2009

A pat from down under

While the icy, winter air may put a chill on some people’s amorous advances. It’s done nothing to slow down this Cop-a-feeler from Australia. Thanks P for the share.

"As I am a young, mid-20s Asian-American professional living and working in Beijing, I’m oftentimes mistaken as a young, local Chinese woman. This means frequently being asked "where have you learned such good English?" even AFTER introductions (where I repeatedly say that I was born and raised in the US) have been made and getting completely ignored at networking events where Western men introduce themselves to one another yet do not bother to introduce themselves to me (and, to add insult to injury, pass me over when giving out their name cards).

S, a tall, dark-haired Australian wine distributor, introduced himself to me, shakes my hand, and slings the other arm around me, hand planting nice and hard on my right but tcheek. The shock and indigence on my face must have given away my reaction, as he says "Lighten up, honey, this is the way us Ozzies are!" I shake my head at him and say "Yeah, but I’m not Australian. I’m American", extract my hand back from his viselike grip, and start to walk (more like run) away.

But the fun didn't end there.

As I try to calm my nerves waiting for a cranberry juice (no alcohol - New Year's resolution to lose weight) at the bar, he comes up behind me AGAIN, pats me firmly on the behind (as I am facing the bar, waiting for the bartender to pour my drink). This time I utter a loud yelp of surprise, and he mimics my outcry, then disappears back into the crowd. Good thing too as my hand is ready to land across his pretty little face.

I managed to tell a good number of people at that networking event of these delightful incidences, and received the small consolation that they would most likely report this man to the folks involved at this event.

Unfortunately this is not the first (nor probably the last) time this sort of thing has happened."

Monday, January 12, 2009

Ratings plummet

So we’ve all heard of the 10 point rating scale for sizing up a member of the opposite sex. Apparently for one man of the world in China, 10 points was 8 points to many. Thanks to C for the tip.

“Call it laziness, drunk goggles, or whatever you like, but I have a friend who decided that the only way to rate girls was on a binary scale – 1 or 0. Do her or don’t do her.

Of course he wanted my opinion on this scale and whether I'd rate guys the same way. After being in China for a bit, I realized that I had thrown my 10 point scale away because let's be honest, if we were to honestly rate the guys here on the same scale as we do those in Australia, Holland, Canada, or Sweden it would just be sad. Instead I've started rating guys on this four point scale:
1) Not a chance in hell
2) Maybe a make out if I’m blind drunk
3) Cute enough to make out when sober
4) Let's skip dinner and just go to my place”

Thursday, January 8, 2009

Oh Jersey. We love you so.

HAPPY NEW YEARS EVERYONE! Onto a reader submission:

"I have alas left Beijing but the memories of complete otherworldly base behavior still boggles the mind even if it's not a physical presence in my day to day life. Before I get into the biggest douchebag I met in my three years in Beijing (if not in my life), I do have to say that I think the dating scene is gradually getting better. The massive influx in foreigners over the past few years has meant a surge of men who have no attraction to Chinese girls and a huge downfall in the number of disgusting pricks with a girl they clearly have no business with. The problem with white guys in China is that most of them don't realize that, despite how awesome they all of a sudden feel they are, most Chinese girls actually aren't attracted to them. Put simply - more white guys and a constant number of girls who are interested in them means less leeway to treat girls like shit. Though of course, that's just one man's opinion.

So yeah, I know I don't have to live this shit firsthand, but as a guy I get to hear a lot of stories. It's sort of amazing because a guy you barely know will open up to you based on the simple premise of "hey, you're a guy so you must also secretly not think of women as equal human beings and enjoy a good 'objectifying' story." So, onto the biggest douchebag I met in Bejing.
Let's call him New Jersey John.

He was living with a friend of mine and holy shit this kid was a complete liability. The first night I met him we were out at Souk where he openly bragged about cocaine and delighted in talking to the fuwuyuan like she was a peasant. We then headed over to the nearby Black Rose where my friend assured me that we're in for an epic game of darts since NJ John dropped out of uni for a year to focus exclusively on the craft of darts. This cat had been working on his bachelor's for something like 6 years already and according to him "if i really bust my ass I can probably finish in 3 years." Well that year off focusing on darts was well spent since me and my friend, who never play, beat him pretty easily. NJ John proceeded to get incredibly drunk then headed off with his friends to Mix while me and my friend hung back to have another game. About 15 minutes later the kid comes knuckle-dragging back in with a look of utter disdain. "Fuck those kids," he callously utters in reference to his 'friends' who left for the club without him.

Apparently they weren't happy with him stealing a jacket from the bar and made him return it. We walked out to the street where he proceeded to explain to us that this jacket clearly belonged to a drug dealer and had hidden gold coins secretly sewn into the sleeve. As such it was fair to steal it. While he's bitching about the injustice of being forced to return it, he stops, mid-sentence, feeling the presence of two western girls walking by and shouts "hey ladies, show me your pussy," before seemlessly returning to the story of the gold deblooms in the sleeve.

Not that bad considering the people you meet in China, but the stories from this kid continued to compound almost daily. My friend had his girlfriend over one night and all her friends. He stumbles in, wasted, and immediately gets on the phone to the nearby brothel and asks for their youngest girl. When he learns the youngest they have is 16, he demands a 14 year old. Having placed his order he tells my friend he's going to run off and get some McDonald's and will be back in a little bit.
NJ John was unemployed and aspired to write a travel guide of all the prostitute hangouts in Beijing. Luckily he teamed up with some shady dude who shared his love of employing prostitutes and filming their acts. It was comforting to hear his theory on how one should "bust in a prostitute's face". "See what you do is, right before you cum, you take your arm and pin down the girl and then cum in her face." Luckily he heard one day that Wuhan has the best and most affordable prostitutes in China and just packed up and left, leaving us all to breathe a massive sigh of relief. I could honestly go on for another hour on this fucking asshole."

xoxo's to A for the submit.