Wednesday, February 28, 2007

Bizarro Land

The whole evening was so civilized I hardly knew what to do with myself. Not once did an overweight, balding, white man twice my age try to drag me onto the dancefloor. In fact, there wasn't even one of those around! Not once did I trip over an adolescent kid passed out on the floor. When making small talk, I was shocked to find that everybody had a job! Not once did I hear the words/phrases "chic," "hot mamma," "pussy," "fuckable" or "get me some tail tonight." No Frenchman licked my arm! No Frenchie stalked me into a cab! No guy tried to impress me with the fact that he knew how to say hello (badly!) in the local language. The man who offered to buy me a drink actually had enough cash on him to pay for it!

Oh, Toto, we're not in Beijing anymore!

Thursday, February 22, 2007

The Alcoholic aka Many Expat Men in Beijing

I had a harsh epiphany about my on again, off again boyfriend/ex-boyfriend the other day. These exact words crossed my mind:

"He will never love me as much as he loves beer."

Ok, you can stop cracking up. Hilarious, yes. But it was a completely serious and honest thought. Sad, isn't it? I know, I know, there are those sayings about why beer is better than a girlfriend and the female response about why cucumbers are better than men, but all kidding aside, it's maddening and sobering to realize that no matter how sweet and warm I am, or aloof and challenging, no matter how much or little love I shower on him, no matter what memories we create or experiences we have, his greatest passion in life will always be another round of beers at Kai. This is a man who was unconcerned about how he would pay the next month's rent but nearly had an anuerysm when he realized the bar down the street no longer gave discounts for Yanjing ordered in bulk.

It's one thing to realize you can never live up to an ex-girlfriend who broke his heart, or his perfect mother, or know he'll never be more devoted to you than to his job, but it's truly frightening when you realize his search for the meaning of life ends and begins anew each time the bar closes and opens.

This didn't seem so clear to me when I was in Beijing since drinking is such a big part of the expat culture. But every once in a while you travel and being away from that scene and seeing how men in other parts of the world don't equate blacking out at brothels filled with Mongolian hookers to a successful weekend has lifted the haze from my brain.

Suddenly, I'm free. With this epiphany, I can stop wondering what's wrong with me because it's obviously his problem. "Problem" is a nice way of saying "raging alcoholic in desperate need of an intervention." But of course, in Beijing expat life, where a Monday isn't a Monday unless you hear the sentence "Man, I was so fucking hammered this weekend," or "Dude, I don't remember a thing after the 5th rack of shooters," or "I've never puked that much in my entire life," any suggestion of moderation would get you blacklisted as a party-pooping Mormon.

In reference to a previous entry in which a girl ranted about how her man left her in search of God, well, at least your ex-boyfriend is not worshipping at an alter that looks suspiciously like a keg.

Wednesday, February 14, 2007

Angry Reader Submission

In the course of writing this blog, we've realized that we can't be beloved by everyone. Apparently our rantings have hit a nerve. Here's D's own rants against ours. Usually we've been waiting at the end of stories to add our own little tidbit but as D's email was full of questions and firm statements, it makes sense to retort in a more timely manner:

"I am getting tired of hearing women rag on expat men all the time. I know this is meant to be a way of women to cope with problems they have with dating men in China but why do I an expat man keep being told."
Hm... even though you did not end that in a question mark, you do indeed mean it as a question. The answer to your query is that men do stupid things. The trend in our circles happens to be biased towards EXPAT men doing stupid things. We'll be the first to point out and openly invite stories targeting at all races and not just expat guys but you have to admit, this particular group makes themselves an easy target.

If you are a decent human being, then our posts should be mere vicarious stories for you to gasp in horror to just like the rest of us. If you do, indeed feel like we are addressing you personally, then well... what can we say? Perhaps a deeper, introspective look at your own flaws would be better than asking rhetorical questions and not punctuating them correctly.

Yes, a female friend of mine sent me this link. All this site does is stereotype. For example, That Chinese girls are submissive and do what you want.
Um... D. We've been trying very hard NOT to stereotype but if you have to get down to it, stereotypes exist because deep down there's a basis of truth. We have never said that ALL Chinese girls are submissive; however, we will stick by our statements that a number of them probably do not stick up for themselves the way they should. Our own guy friends who have dated Chinese girls have reflected this back to us so you know, if other people think it too it MUST be true.

I having a relationship with a Chinese girl she is good looking but I have dated women at the same level back in the states. To be honest she is so much more work than any American girl I have ever had. First of all just randomly she is mad because I broke some Chinese dating custom that I had no idea even existed.
Ok we'll give you this one. That does happen quite a bit, but did she blow up at you and straight up tell you to your face or did she just seethe silently and swallow her anger?

Also, she was raised by an upper middle class family, just like mine, but her parents spoiled the crap out of her so she tried to act like a spoiled child and I have to stop that. I have never put this much work in a relationship in my life.
Agreed. Acting as a parent and a significant other is a pain.

You guys always complain about expat men sleeping with Chinese women but most of you won’t even touch a Chinese guy because I don’t know why. I met many Chinese men that are great guys in any country but no expat women will date them. I know 50 expat women some friends some you just see at a party and I only know one who dates a Chinese man. He a good guy sometimes they have problems but who doesn’t.
Um... was that a question again?

If expat men are so terrible why not find a good Chinese man? There is like 700 million of them so even if 1 out of 100 of them is good there are enough men in china for the expat girls.
Hm... right 700 million. There's 1.3 billion Chinese total. I'm not sure if your number is correct there D. If we take out all the people living in the countryside because we love nature but that doesn't mean we want to be wives of farmers, old people, young kids, married men I'm pretty sure your 700million gets whittled down quite a bit.

Not sure if you've tried it but finding a good Chinese man is pretty hard. It's not like the streets are exactly filled with good-looking, funny, socially adjusted Chinese men are they? We're not against dating Chinese guys but you're attracted to who you're attracted to. Lets be honest, Chinese women are often MUCH better looking than Chinese guys. We'd dare say its a 10 to 1 ratio of hot Chinese women to hot Chinese guys. Yeah, you can blabber on about how that's SO superficial but attraction is important. More often than not the hot, funny, cool Chinese guy, already has an even hotter, cooler and funnier Chinese girlfriend so how can we even compete?

Personality is important too and oftentimes many single Chinese guys (and expats) are lacking in that arena as well. If there is a hot, available non-douchbaggy Chinese guy please let us know. We'll be more than happy to date him.

Lets look at the post for January, “Bad Kisser”, your going to give us shit because one 20 something can’t kiss.”
First off: your, you're

Did you finish reading that story D? Because, not only was he a bad kisser, he said he wanted the opportunity to "fuck her"? Perhaps the derision towards this guy lies more in his tactless request of pussy rather than his lack of skill. Then again, if you're kissing so hard that a girl's lip ring pops out you're a terrible kisser and all her friends and your friends know. Random strangers on China Dirt laughing at you is kinda moot at that point.

The Finding Himself Man”, you dated a lazy fucker, there everywhere.
And an unsually high concentration reside in China!

Where were your friends? If you were my friends I would have told you he was a lazy fucker.”
Good for you. Your friends must love you for your honesty and bashing the people they care about. Of course we told her that her boyfriend wasn't the best for her, but in the end, its her choice isnt it? She chose to put up with it until she couldn't anymore. Being a friend isn't forcing other friends into your point of view, it's being there when they're ready to admit to themselves that it's a mistake.

A Cynic’s View of Sexpat Men: The Sleaze Ratings (Low to High)”, this is ok because it at least admits it is meant to be stereotyping. Also, a little funny. My wraith is waning so now I am going to stop typing. Answer the question why only a few expat women date Chinese men.
Whew, thanks for that email D. We're glad your "wraith" is waning.

Monday, February 12, 2007

The Latter Day Saint (LDS)

Thanks for the plug That's BJ!

Ironically, just days after you published that blurb, I was having dinner with a girl friend of mine when I noticed she was looking slightly off color and frazzled. "What's up with you?" I inquired as any good, girl friend who notices frazzledness in another would. "I'm frustrated," she replied sourly.

I clucked sympathetically "Work's got you down?" I asked throwing in an "I'm sorry" headtilt in for good measure to make sure she knew I was feeling her pain.

"No." she snapped, eyes aflash with annoyance, "I'm sexually frustrated."

"What?! What happened to your boyfriend of four months? Did something happen?" I was stunned. Here was a girl who, out of all the slimeballs covering the city managed to actually get what seemed like a decent, functioning guy. Of course the only snag to this guy was his love of the Good Book and the Lord's word and Jesus Saves etc etc while. my friend took more of a Switzerland approach to religion. That is to say, she just stayed uninvolved. Despite the religious chasm, the relationship blossomed and for a bit it seemed like God was smiling on the pair.

Unfortunately for my friend, God had recently decided to stop smiling down and rained down a wrath that manifested itself inside her boyfriend as a form of intense guilt over performing months and months of carnal sin. Oh the horror! Well that was enough for was for him to repent his sinner ways. And for the last two weeks, he had abruptly stopped all amorous advances. Think 1950's, I Love Lucy, two beds in the bedroom bad and that's what my poor friend was enduring.

"I mean for Christsake, I touch myself more than he touches me!" she wailed miserably into her mint gelato stabbing it with her spoon. "This fucking ice cream is getting more action than I will probably."

What could I say? I mean is there any words of comfort to soothe the sting of sex denial? Stupid boyfriend of my friend, couldn't you have figured out your moral convictions before happily jumping in the sack with her for the last four months? Jesus Christ.

Friday, February 9, 2007

Check Please

Here's a reader submission from T.

"Good Grief! Thanks China Dirt for pulling the curtain on the sham that is expat men in China! It's so good to have found a kindred spirit.

In fairytales, the toad turns into a prince after a kiss. In Beijing, the prince turns into a toad.

In the most recent installment of the horror flick that is dating in Beijing, I met this expat guy. Let's call him "The Pretender." I met him at The Bookworm through a friend. At first I thought he had "dating material" written all over him. I mean, cute smile, great sense of humor, and maybe the only guy in this city who doesn't smoke (I hate a guy who smells like an ashtray!). We texted a few times, and the banter was pretty hot. So I was happy to go to a dinner with him the following weekend. THAT was a mistake! I mean, it started out pretty good. I'm a vegetarian and he was pretty respectful of that. We settled on Hatsune. We talked about him, mostly. He is an English teacher, but making a documentary about AIDS in China (I wish I'd only read your post on FHM's). He recommend a pretty pricey glass of wine for me and a beer for himself. I found that to be sexy because I like a take charge kind of guy.

That all changed, however... (For all you guys reading this, there are some things you SHOULD know! If you ask a girl out on a date, you should pay. Period. I believe in equal rights and everything, but it's not rocket science that a little chivalry gets you a long way)
So the check came and the following conversation was had:

Me: "So thanks for dinner! That was great"
TP: "Uh... so you owe like 150?"
Me: "Ex...Excuse me?"
TP (showing me the mai dan):"Yeah, so you had a glass of wine, which was a little bit more than my beer"
Me: (thinking) "Are you being facetious, you cheap bastard?"
Me: (actually) "Um, okay?"

I shoulda taken this as a warning sign. But like the romantic masochist that I am, I gave him the benefit of the doubt. So he invited me back to his apartment to watch "Apocalypto" (which is the worst date movie EVER, btw), for some reason I agreed. And by "apartment," he meant skanky dorm room. Almost immediate upon entering his v. humble abode, he almost toppled me over in an attempt to marry his tongue to my tonsils.

Me: "Umm, hello?"TP: "shhhh."
Me: "What's the rush?"(let's just pause for dramatic effect here)
TP: "I can't have girls over in my dorm after 11, but I just wanted to express my feelings"

WHAT? Did that just happen? Are we in boarding school? I am utterly mystified by how guys like this are allowed to exist. If you're going to be this lame, at least lie about it."

Guys like this ARE allowed to exist. For about a week, I was having a really terrible time at work and the boy I had just recently started dating called me up and said he wanted to take me to dinner bc "I was having such a rough week." Apparently his interpretation of taking me out was to pay for the taxi but split the final check.

Wednesday, February 7, 2007

Reader submission

Hello loyal fans and our ever-growing circle of people who hate us. You may have notice that activity on China Dirt has been rather sparse but we opened our email box the other day and lo and behold, we see emails! So, it seems that though we've gotten lax and sedentary, others have taken up the call for us. We will be posting reader postings every other day (we have to space them out you know so it seems like we're actually doing something other than being lazy bitches).

Here's the latest atrocity from E:

"This the latest in appauling expat male housemate was sleeping around while his Chinese "girlfriend" was in hospital for a week being treated for CANCER. Incredible. "

Incredible wasn't the word that popped in to our minds. The word that we thought of starts with a douche and ends with a bag and maybe has huge thrown up there at the front.