Saturday, November 24, 2007

Reader Submission

WE'RE GOING TO POST this up here with the caveat that we realize that there are many sides to the dating scene. We don't necessarily condone this reader's actions but it is indicative of what does happen here in China (and many other places in the world).

Yeah, I'll admit it. I used to screw married guys in Beijing. It's not that I was on the hunt for men with rings on their fingers, but after 3 years in Asia, three years of starry-eyed hoping for That Special Someone (with repeatedly disastrous results), all you want is to get laid, leave a fake phone number and go home smiling. For the jaded, lost and given-up woman, 45-55 year old guys are the jam. Why?

1. They spare you the suffering of having to fake a mid-sex orgasm by – tada! – only lasting about 2 minutes.
2. They deliver a slew of actual orgasms as they go down on you (with decades of experience!) for multiple hours to make up for the fact that they can't "perform". Bank error in your favor, collect 200, um, orgasms. *cough*
3. They precede the sex by paying for dinner with old world charm and courtesy, pulling out your chair, opening your car door, and in general treating you like a lady. Okay, so the whole thing is horrifically corny, but you can't blame them for dancing the dance. Plus, it doesn't hurt to be wined and dined a couple times a month.
4. They only call when they're looking for a nice night out – which is about once a week.You don't really love them, they don't really love you, and everyone's clear on that fact. You can therefore feel free to be yourself in ways you never thought possible on a second date. If they don't like it, meh. You'll find another.
5. And if they had wives… well… none of my business.

The drawback, of course, is having to listen to golf stories for 3 hours at a stretch. I hasten to say that my soul was not in the healthiest, happiest, rainbow and unicorns place that year, and things have changed since then. But this was a time in my life where "The Patented 5:00AM Rule" was in effect every weekend – that is to say, kick them out by 5:00AM and you don't have to suffer through making them coffee. Nothing brings a guy back for more like shaking him awake after 20 minutes and telling him, "I had a great time. Now get out of my apartment." Smile while you say it. Politely affirm that you're not joking. Works like a charm.

Anyway, it was all going wonderfully for a while. A few guys who were infrequently in town, didn't care who else I was seeing and, I was getting on with my life until… well, let's call him Brandy.

Brandy started out OK. We met at my office, he bought me some drinks, he was very polite. But then… oh, but then… Never trust a man that doesn't drink coffee. Slowly, imperceptibly, the phone calls increased in volume. The dinners took on a whining, desperate tone. "See me tomorrow? No? Why not?" He offered to pay for my apartment. I refused. It's one thing for them to pay for dinner, but when they start giving you money, you're tied to them for good. Somewhere in the depths of their tiny lizard brains, they know this. He offered to buy me a boat if I'd be his girlfriend. He'd name it after me. "Don't push your luck," I said. Trips in Europe. "Sure - buy me a ticket and I'll write you a postcard." He offered to buy me a ticket back to the U.S. with him. "No," I said. He asked me to marry him.

"That's ridiculous," I replied."Buy WHY?" he pouted.
"Well," I reminded him for the five-thousandth time, "Because you're *already married*. Your wife is waiting for you back home, and to be honest, I'm not interested in a long-term relationship with anyone who cheats on his wife. Sounds hypocritical, but hey, that's just me."

And then he delivered the line that became my girlfriends' hilarious catchphrase for the next year: "But wives come and go!"

Wait, but you just… but you asked me to… and you still… what? I pity that poor woman. Some would say I should have expected this – after all, he was a douchebag to start with. But even a cheater ought to attempt some modicum of self-respect and respect for the (fourth) woman that currently wears his ring. I promptly left him, he promptly left the country, and I was magically cured of wrinkled pricks and married boys forever.

3 comments:

Shanghai Baby said...

Oh it has been a long time since you haven't posted anything, missed that so much! i don't live in Shanghai anymore, since last september, now i live in Paris, and some stories seem to be the same anywhere in the world...!

uklothario said...

I guess I'd be a low-level sleazy, ex-pat guy in your ratings in the past, but now I'm in a committed, monogamous relationship with an ex-pat female (albeit from a neighbouring Asian country) who moved with me to China. So perhaps I have some redeeming qualities.

Anyway, your posting about older guys was both amusing and annoying. I'm dangerously close to that age bracket and some of the points about 45-55 year-olds had me nodding my head and some shaking my head. So, as a rebuttal I'll publish my own points:

1) You may finally have to stop faking orgasms because these guys last so long, unlike their younger brethren, that you'll have all the time you need to experience some real orgasms.

2) the slew of orgasms from oral sex, in addition to the straight sex ones, will give you the deepest nights sleep you've experienced in years. Getting up in time for work may be a challenge.

3) you may have to suffer jealousy when young, local girls make obvious, flirtatious passes at your boyfriend despite you standing right next to him.

4) In China more mature, western guys are considered very eligible and there's stiff competition for their affections. So you might have to work much harder than ever in your life to be entertaining in and out of the sack.

5) You may have to pack your bags more frequently for international trips to european cities and beach resorts. Oh, the hardship! Golf isn't even in the language of many mature guys. Scuba and surfing might be more likely though. So you may have to work hard to look good in a bikini.

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