Sunday, December 9, 2007

The Naked Man

*Writer's's been a while. I have to admit, it's been fairly drama free for all the girls for some time and there hasn't been much to dish, individually or collectively... but the dating gods seem to have decided that in terms of crazy what-the-fuck incidents that make for great stories, the lack in quantity will be made up for in terms of quality. Quality sleaziness, that is.*

My good friend Matt called me up one day. He had an acquaintance who was in town - a young man who wanted to check out the scene and possibly move here. Being married to a woman who apparently had him practically under house arrest, Matt implored me to take on the role of nightlife tour guide. I agreed. Any friend of Matt's was a friend of mine, right?

We had dinner and then drinks. The guy was articulate, witty and attractive. He insisted on paying for everything which was not expected but nice. I was charmed enough to let him sling an arm around my shoulders as we walked along the harbor and took in the lights of the skyline.

As the time approached to call it a night he began dropping hints of needing a place to stay.

"What happened to your hotel reservation?" I asked.

"I forgot to write down the address, I don't know where it is" he answered feebly. In retrospect that was probably the lamest excuse in the history of lame excuses but at that moment, three martinis in, anything seemed feasible.

"Can I crash at your place?" he asked.

I agreed, saying "Ok, you can sleep on the couch." I made sure to stress the word couch.

As soon as we stepped through the door, his lips were on mine. Giving into the chemistry of the evening and the feel of the three martinis, I let the kiss linger just a minute. I should have known. You give an inch, he takes a mile. In an instant his hand was down the back of my shirt in search of the bra hook. I pulled away.

"Tonight was nice, but I barely know you. I seriously meant it when I said you are taking the couch."

"You sure baby?" he cooed.

"I'm positive."

"No? I'm quite good at..." He flicked his tongue at me and made a slurping noise.

"Um, good for you... But I'm not sleeping with you. Or anything else," I added for emphasis.

He shrugged, gave me a peck on the cheek and made for the couch.

I'm not naive. Guys push their luck, I know that. And maybe it was stupidity on my part for having inadvertently hinted at the possibility of sex by allowing him to stay over. But as I watched him nest on the couch, I figured, no harm done. Just a misunderstanding.

The next morning I got up and checked on my house guest. He was lazily stretching on the couch. "Help yourself to milk or juice," I said as I headed into the bathroom. I washed up, brushed my teeth, combed my hair, etc.

I got out of the bathroom, walked into my room to find my house guest who only a few minutes ago had been on the couch now lying on my bed...STARK NAKED and um, rather... excited.

"What the...!" I stammered.

"It's ok, baby, come lie down with me," he said nonchalantly and patted a spot next to him.

"Get out!" I screamed, as I backed towards my roommate's door.

"Oh come on..." he cooed, making tsk tsk sounds with his tongue the way one does when trying to entice a cat to come over.

I reached my roommate's door and banged on it. My roommate is a fairly big Spanish dude. Say what you will about Latin men and their machismo, but machismo can bring out the best in a man when there's a damsel in distress. Not to mention bring out enough adrenaline in a man for him to unceremoniously toss another man out of an apartment. (In retrospect we really should have just kept the clothes instead of throwing them out after the sleazebag.)

SIDE NOTE: What the hell was he thinking????? What would possess a man to do that???? What could possibly make him think that this behavior would in any way endear him to me?????? Did he think my reluctance to do him was pure laziness. Like I just didn't want to go to the bother of undressing him so he'd save me the trouble???? "Well, now that I don't have to go to the effort of unzipping your pants....OK!" Seriously, WHAT THE HELL?????

I don't know. Maybe a woman showing up in bed naked would be great for a man, so he was thinking, "oh, all I need to do is show a little frontal nudity and she'll swoon with lust." But seriously guys, this sort of thing, NOT a turn on. It's more threatening than anything to a woman... All the China Dirt writers have encountered slime bags before but at least those scum buckets had half a brain cell.... there's seduction, there's sleaziness, and then there's just stupidity.

Anyway, I digress. I called Matt, the mutual friend, a few hours after the incident.

"Matt, you owe me dinner and drinks for life. Not to mention a new set of bedsheets."

17 comments: said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Shanghai Baby said...

you should have slept with him in the first place. no harm, you were both dizzy, both wanted to nice time... go with the flow, don't be too uptight !

uklothario said...

yes, I think his approach was clumsy but calling him a sleazebag is a bit much. It might have worked with other women before.

I hope he met a more exciting woman (or two) on subsequent evenings in Beijing. Otherwise you probably ruined his whole trip and gave him the wrong impression about this wonderful place.

My first trip to Beijing was very rewarding and my second too. So much so, I did decide to come and live here.

Amanda said...

Good job - you're not "easy" like many women out there. Some women may have "gone with the flow" only to wake up and realize that yet again their life is meaningless with meaningless sex. Hey, we all love meaningless sex once and a while, don't get me wrong - but have to want it. You didn't and this dumb ass was too small-brained to understand.

You totally did the right thing girl!

real siyan shanghai said...

Meet china bitch, fuck china bitch in her asshole, cum on china bitch face, pay china bitch, go home!

Al L said...

A lot of Asian women have major self-hate and White worship these days. They seem brainwashed by Hollywood mass media, and have an inferiority complex about being Asian.

It is pretty pathetic once you realize this. These girls need to have more self esteem in being Asian and realize they are nothing more than cum dumpsters for loser, mostly unattractive expats who couldn't cut it in their home countries.

LN said...

when is the next post? it's been too long now, please post regularly, think about all the desperate Western girls waiting!!!

PK said...

Yeh I love hearing about how you even though you people keep getting fucked by expat guys, you still go after them. LOL!!!

The-Big-Tissue said...

I found this post enjoyable, as they all, are but just took issue with one line:

"oh, all I need to do is show a little frontal nudity and she'll swoon with lust." But seriously guys, this sort of thing, NOT a turn on.

That comes across as didactic and a bit illogical.

You’ve had an unfortunate experience because of your own personal situation and the options available to you but that doesn’t mean there is a lesson in there for men.

I don’t blame you for thinking there is – this is a very common technique that is even used in men’s magazines.

I remember reading an article in Esquire where a woman described some of her worst sexual experiences. The way the article was spun was as a lesson to all men. They were supposed to read it and think “Oh, so if I invite a woman round to my house then I SHOULDN’T leave a drawer open containing a large amount of pornography, lubricant and opened Viagra packets? Hunh. How about that…” (Even if it did serve this purpose then it would be a lesson for perverts and freaks on how to hide their true nature.) Actually 99% of men would read the article and think, “Wow, this woman is really, really easy and so desperate that she’s gone to bed with some total losers.”

Now I appreciate that China Dirt is not a men’s magazine. It is a safe space for women to talk about their less-than-dazzling dating options living in China which, ironically, attracts a lot of attention from men who are total losers.

However, you did seem to be addressing that line to men (though it might have just been a rhetorical trick). If you are interested to know what a man thinks of this “lesson” then I can tell you. He won’t think “Oh, so you’re saying that I SHOULDN’T try to instigate sex with a strange woman in the morning by stripping off my clothes and taking myself and my morning wood into her bedroom, lying on her bed and making come-hither noises with my tongue?” What a man will think is “I feel slightly sorry for this woman for being the kind of person that attracts a man like this.”

Keep posting, more regularly if possible, but I would suggest that you don’t treat any part of your posts as a lesson for all men. They just aren’t.

The PK said...

Check this thread discussing this site. I think this chicks post pretty much sdums it all up:

"why is this blog so great? i read like a couple of entries and i'm, this person has no clue about china and makes really trite observations.

oh riiiigggghhhhttt...a white bitch wrote it, so it must be pulitzer prize material.

she's interested in dating chinese men but finds most chinese guys unattractive...uh, right. sounds like "i don't want to be labelled as a racist so i'll put this disclaimer on" bullshit to me.

[Originally Posted by silkie
I mean, while the gwei-men's actions is pretty much beaten to death and needs no further elaboration, I want to zero in on the gwei-po's comments. Yes, dating in China is extremely difficult for a woman. Add to that many only want to date other expats, the pool of good men are extremely, extremely slim. I would not fault them for only wanting to date expats, because the same applies to overseas Asian wanting to date their own race. But is it really necessary for a gweipo to refer to Chinese women as "cum-dumpsters." Have they realize that, yes, gold-digging foriegners are questionable, but many of those women truly see it as a ticket to a better life. Honestly, I have not sorted out my feelings on this, but part of me realizes that I am priviledged as a person who never really have to worry about money, and have never been in a position before where social mobility is limited. ]

like i said, trite observations with no analysis behind them.

cheh, people are better off reading what i write, at least i do great film reviews and my friends are witty.

i dislike expats regardless of sex. in fact, i would go so far as to say that gweipos have an even bigger sense of entitlement in asia because they're women.

although, i have to say, any chick from a western country, regardless of race, usually has a superiority complex to compensate for the insecurity that they suddenly feel.

i swear, bitches ain't shit."

马克 said...

Haha wow. This is a hilariously entertaining site, by the way.

Addictor said...

Come to Australia. I'll show you proper seduction.

Laurent said...

Please, come back!!!
Don't pay attention to the jerks!

Kay said...

You absolutely did nothing wrong. Good god, so many men think it's their right to screw in spite of resistance. This one was particularly extreme.

Cassie said...

ok first off... I love the blog. I'm 22, single, female, laowai, and have been living in China for the last 6 months. I definitely sympathize with what you guys write.

second, I will be sending contributions with my horror dating stories asap

third, there's an episode of How I Met Your Mother that aired recently about this EXACT thing.... the name of the episode is even called "The Naked Man" crazy!

Cornell said...

Apparently the "Naked Man" is a not-so-uncommon tactic that is making the rounds. An entire episode of the American sit-com, "How I met Your Mother" is based on it.

For your viewing pleasure:

Maybe someone stole your story?

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