Wednesday, March 14, 2007

China Dirt Goes International

Not so long ago we received the following email:

Hi,

My expat friend in China sent me your link and I love your site. Especially that bit on Parisians. I laughed uncontrollably as I read that piece. Being a foreign girl, I find from swapping stories with other expat females, many of the stories are similar. (Although, I must admit the expat men that go to China seem to be ATORCIOUS reminders of the slimeball hs kid with too much acne and the 24/7 porno high-look.) I’m an American and Korean girl (horrid combo to be in, my “exotic” foreign look and thick American accent seems to scream, “PLEASE OBJECTIFY ME!” or “FOLLOW ME HOME!”) in Paris and I have never been as objectified or glad to have a home in the red white and blue. I’d love to share some of them and I’m sure other expat girls around the world would love to share theirs too.

-J

We immediately responded with a "mais oui!" and two days later, a nice, plummy story about love (or lack thereof) in Paris landed in our email box. Read on...

Not So Much Fancy Lover as much as Fancy Rapist

Okay, the story isn’t as severe as the title. But, it still is the most appropriate for lack of a better word as you will soon see. So herein begins my first and what I hope to be my only naive sleaze accident with a French man. I had just arrived in France a month ago still trying to figure out the details of culture shock. For the most part, I could tell, in France, hobos on the street and random old men had license to follow you around, even at times physically tug at you, offer you money, and at the very least, drop a line, like, “Vous etes belle, ma cherie. Zoo you hab a bouyfliend?”, which despite an affirmative response is returned with “But, you can hab two.” It also did not help that my cheap craigslist find was in a shady district with neighbors warning me of the drug dealers on the street.

Needless to say, I was very happy and optimistic when I met, - ohhhh for anonymity’s sake, let’s call him - Slimeball #1. He was in his 20’s, often hung out with a gorgeous model, and in other respects seemed completely sane. He had happened to notice my fluffy dog at the cafe a couple times and eventually, this led into a conversation, wherein he discovered I was from the States and I discovered he wanted to practice his English. He eventually invited me to sit with his friends at the cafĂ©. Upon discovering I hadn’t toured Paris yet, he offered to be my tour guide on a free weekend, and he expressed keen interest in obtaining a similar tour guide if he were ever in the States. Wow, at this point all seemed like a natural fair deal between two people of the opposite sex with no other intentions than an exchange of language and culture. But somethings are too good to be true.

The tour seemed to be fairly innocent. In fact, in general, he was a nice gentleman and he certainly did make that weekend more pleasant than it could’ve been spent alone battling French bureaucracy. Afterwards he invited me for tea and when I arrived for tea-time at his apt joined again by some other friends. Harmless enough right?

The next night he invited me over for tea again; however this time when I arrived, I discovered it was just me. Great. I knew that it would be extremely rude of me in the French culture to cut the evening short and leave early, so despite being alone, I said nothing and sipped my tea politely; my first mistake.

I was soon to find out etiquette was only part of his dangerous con. It was probably an hour later, I found the room really hot and I could feel my heart beating. As an anemic, I didn’t think it was caused by anything external but my own dizzy inclinations. I asked for some water and as he walked to the kitchen he chuckled and my haphazard French picked up something like, “I purposely put more in, so you’d have to stay over.”

Me: What?!
Him: Haha. I will return with your watah.
Had I imagined it? My French was spotty.

Man, second mistake. Feeling sick I asked him to walk me to my ghetto street but he declined saying he had to wake up early but he said he wouldn’t mind if I waited off at his place. So, instead of stumbling to my ghetto street lined with drug dealers, I decided to wait off the buzz from the “tea”, which found me 30 mins later dozing off on his couch. Unfortunately, 15 mins later I found my hands being caressed, and I mean the unsexy kind, where he’s playing circle circle dot dot from third grade, and his skinny French arms pulling me into an embrace. Gross!

Me: What are you doing!
Him (with the ever so innocent puppy eyes): You don’t like it?

Like it? What the hell? Since when did somnambulism under sleep-inducing tea equal consent?!

Me: What?! I’m leaving.
Him: If you go… I’m not going to be your friend anymore!

Friend? I think we crossed that line when he practically tried to rape me in my sleep. Okay, it wasn’t rape per say, but being cuddled in sleep induced by him isn’t consent.

Me: I don’t care. I’m leaving.
Him: If you go, I’ll take you off my Buddy list!

Oh man… Buddy list? This guy really must’ve been stuck in the primary school years. As if my biggest worry was not being on his list of friends. I bolted out of there and just to rub it in his face, I laughed in his face as I left. Vindictive, but totally justified. If this had been home, I could have called the police.

The amazing thing about not just rapist but French men in general, is that despite the rejections, they keep coming back as if they were the nicest, most innocent gentleman. Primary school slime rapist #1, yeah I feel like calling him that now, still texts me every 2-3 months with something like, “Hello, How are you? You forget me? Missing you. Bisous.” Ewww… shudder. It’s a good thing I screen.

For the record, ever since, I haven’t visited any French men’s homes unless accompanied by a mutual female friend, or for that matter spoken to any unless he was my waiter or my employer. I’ve even earned a couple, “Casse-toi, Bitch!” by angry snubbed men. (What a double standard, huh?) But, even Puritanism gets shady, as slime rapist #1 was followed by slimeball #2, slimeball #3 as well as the additions I can make for my other expat friends. But those are shocking stories reserved for other times. In the meantime, now I understand how a country like France could wait until 1944 to enfranchise their women.

18 comments:

Peking Man said...

"Could the men living in China get any more retarded?" asks the subheading to this blog.

But instead of answering that question, we get an overblown and overlong story about some creepy Frenchman in France.

What a wonderful premise "China Dirt" was.

How sad to see made-up stories and any old "men behaving badly" email you get sent take the place of your attention-grabbing "purpose".

Will "maggie" (or should I say China Dirt's sock puppet) come out to chide me today and lift the comment count? Frankly, my dear, if I wanted to boost my traffic, I wouldn't link from here...

JeanieNChina said...

Peking Man,

Frankly, my dear, if I wanted to boost my traffic, I wouldn't link from here...

And yet you have linked your blog on China Dirt many, many times. And don't think followers of blogs like Kaiser's and Danwei haven't noticed you riding the China Dirt wave and linking your site whenever those websites write about CD too. If you don't want people to go to your blog, why would you link it all over the place? Also, you haven't written much except to trash China Dirt. Is your life so boring that all you have to write about is somebody else's website?

Anyway, CD, personally I'd rather hear more stories about guys in China...I'm sure there are plenty to go around...:-) Keep em' coming.

Mitch said...

The most unbelievable part about this story is how someone could "laugh" out loud "uncontrollably" at anything on this blog. I mean, the accounts are amusing and all, and may cull a wry smile once in a while, but someone who laughs uncontrollably at this stuff must be absolutely retarded.

Peking Man said...

>>Is your life so boring that all you have to write about is somebody else's website?

You got it in one. My boring little life in China, my boring little personal blog, and then China Dirt writes a bullshit blog entry about me, and I'm supposed to _not_ respond? I link from here because I have something to say about things written here. Notice no link from this article. Yawn.

The whole thing about me supposedly caring about "traffic" going to my ad-less and I'd-be-lucky-if-ten-people-have-seen-it blog is just, well, there's no polite word for "stupid", really, is there...

Mitch said...

Hello China Dirt,

You've proven to be a very good distraction of late. I couldn't help but notice you erased the "Sometimes Friend" entry. A good thing too as a close reader could have easily compromised your anonymity. You DO need to watch what you SAy, you know.

In any case, I feel bored to repost my comment to your blog. Rereading it, I might have had a high horse day. My sentiments still stand though.

Hello China Dirt.

I wholeheartedly concur on some of the observations you've made. Expat men living in China are often relationship-handicapped. China also attracts its share of underachievers. As an expat male myself, I am often embarrassed by the behavior of fellow male expats. My embarrassment extends beyond their treatment of women to their general comportment as guests in a foreign country.

In your world of loser expat men, I'd like to count myself as an exception. I am gainfully employed, and I no longer feel the need to find myself. I am in a two year long relationship with an incredibly special woman (expat), who is as beautiful as she is generous in spirit. I can't think of anything I'd rather do than to make her laugh, and she has an uncanny ability to make me happy and aspire to be a better person.

When I read your blog, China Dirt, I can't help feel that you will never be happy.

I learned early on that in matters of love, you reap what you sow. Most of us have been hurt once or twice. But you've gotta wonder about the ones who have all the bad luck. Perhaps you take solace in your lack of accountability. But what can you expect when all you have to offer is bile and spite---half-clever acronyms that poorly camouflage a long catalog of persistent negativity and emotional arrest. Sarcasm is a poor veil for sadness, and no good man aspires to date a sad girl.

Women (and men) who are unable to maintain healthy relationships often neglect their partner's need for affirmation. Bad behavior in relationships is a direct result of stolen dignity and shattered confidence. This is as much of a reflection on you as it is on your loser ex-boyfriends.

Good men (and women) aren't born that way. Who hasn't been a bit of "LBH" or "FHM" at some point? Successful relationships make both parties better people. What conceivable man would be better off with you? Beneath a thin veneer of sass, there is a Rwandan orphanage of unresolved anger and emotional famine. I mean, if you can't make yourself happy, would you even date yourself?

If you tried being nicer, maybe you could at least have some platonic male friends.

Mitch

JoishieRose said...

Honestly, if you guys don't like what's being said in the website, don't read it. Pick a more important battle. But for the love of god, give it a rest.

The Bobmeister said...

Watch out, China Dirt, you're being taken off a few "buddy lists", lol! But some of us appreciate your sense of humor and your ability to tell a good story about creepy realities... it's like watching a Lily Allen video!

Here's another video I thought about while reading this story... I think you'll find it spot-on:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LMAHstZ565w

SharisseKennedy said...

Seriously guys, if you don't like the site, then stop bitching about it and let those of us who enjoy it read in peace.

Peking Man, first you take credit for being the man in their entry, then you accuse them of making up a fake scenario, then you go back to saying the entry is about you...jesus man, get your own story straight.

China Dirt girls, you must really have hurt some of these men for them to be attacking with such force. Hilarious.

Megan said...

I totally agree with most of the girls in the posts! I have experiences like that all the time. Also, Peking Man has no penis and should be shot in the face.

I do kind of agree with Mitch about girls not being funny, though. All my funny friends are guys, and my girlfriends who say they are funny are usually the ones who don't look good. I hate to jump of the sisterhood parade on this, but I just don't really know any funny girls.

TracyK said...

Megan, that's just not true about how women are not funny. Female humor is different - more nuanced. We don't have to say things like "cum eating shit sluts" to draw a laugh. I think China Dirt, while not hilarious, is a pretty example of how women can be witty without eating out of the gutter.

Megan said...

Hey Tracyck,

I know what your saying, and I don't like that humor from guys either. But some of my guy friends are just really clever with on-the-spot stuff. I have not really met girls like that, and usually when my girlfriends tell me about a girl that is hilarious, she turns out to be a hyper lesbian who is just trying to get attention and affirmation.

Women do most things much better than guys, I just don't think we are as funny. Men are not as caring. Between the two, I think we make out fine.

J said...

Ok everyone, let's all calm down and focus on the real point of the China Dirt website.

To make fun of the French. :-)

Ron said...

I definitely find this site hilarious, but I have to admin that I don't laugh uncontrollably. Just a big smile :-)

I'm with SharisseKennedy. If you don't like the site, there are only millions of other sites out there.

Let the bitching continue!

Shaan Khan said...

I'm with Megan on this one. Most girls I know (except for my sister) are not funny, but the reason most likely is because humor is actually a form of aggression (think about the dynamic of joke telling/clever remark making/etc. in any social situation you've been in).

It's a form of aggression but it's also part of the whole relationship dance--guys aren't more humorous because we want to be funny--we need to be. How else are we going to get a girl's attention?

Peking Man said...

>>Also, Peking Man has no penis

LOL!

Someone's been looking at my profile picture!

And while it's true I have no penis, I do have a very large fuzzy area...

Peking Man said...

Oh, and sharissekennedy, reading comprehension lessions for you my dear.

A story can be about someone, and also untrue, can it not?

"Sharissekennedy makes insightful blog comments" for example, is both about you, and bullshit.

Ah Cin said...

i didn't know so many guys like to debate with women about women's talk......

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