Monday, February 12, 2007

The Latter Day Saint (LDS)

Thanks for the plug That's BJ!

Ironically, just days after you published that blurb, I was having dinner with a girl friend of mine when I noticed she was looking slightly off color and frazzled. "What's up with you?" I inquired as any good, girl friend who notices frazzledness in another would. "I'm frustrated," she replied sourly.

I clucked sympathetically "Work's got you down?" I asked throwing in an "I'm sorry" headtilt in for good measure to make sure she knew I was feeling her pain.

"No." she snapped, eyes aflash with annoyance, "I'm sexually frustrated."

"What?! What happened to your boyfriend of four months? Did something happen?" I was stunned. Here was a girl who, out of all the slimeballs covering the city managed to actually get what seemed like a decent, functioning guy. Of course the only snag to this guy was his love of the Good Book and the Lord's word and Jesus Saves etc etc while. my friend took more of a Switzerland approach to religion. That is to say, she just stayed uninvolved. Despite the religious chasm, the relationship blossomed and for a bit it seemed like God was smiling on the pair.

Unfortunately for my friend, God had recently decided to stop smiling down and rained down a wrath that manifested itself inside her boyfriend as a form of intense guilt over performing months and months of carnal sin. Oh the horror! Well that was enough for was for him to repent his sinner ways. And for the last two weeks, he had abruptly stopped all amorous advances. Think 1950's, I Love Lucy, two beds in the bedroom bad and that's what my poor friend was enduring.

"I mean for Christsake, I touch myself more than he touches me!" she wailed miserably into her mint gelato stabbing it with her spoon. "This fucking ice cream is getting more action than I will probably."

What could I say? I mean is there any words of comfort to soothe the sting of sex denial? Stupid boyfriend of my friend, couldn't you have figured out your moral convictions before happily jumping in the sack with her for the last four months? Jesus Christ.

1 comment:

Peter said...

Ha! This is hillarious. Especially since I'm a former Mormon expat American guy in Beijing.

I read about this blog in the most recent tbj.

Looks like great fun. I'm adding you to my gmail webclips.