Tuesday, January 9, 2007

LBH: Loser Back Home

Sometimes I feel like one of the main reasons expat guys come to China is because life back in their home countries had gone drastically wrong. What? you're over 30 and have never held a real job? Oh? You failed out of university in your second year and don't have any direction in life? Hm? You're addicted to cocaine and are exiled from your home country? Ah? You have mysterious twitches and smell a bit funny?

All these Oh-so-appealing guys are known as LBH's or "Losers Back Home." These LBHs however find sanctuary in the welcoming (and not-so-picky) arms of the Chinese girls here. A big "I'm Sorry" to all the sensible and awesome Chinese girls out there but you know that it's the stupid ones that ruin it for everyone. It gets so bad in China that after awhile, "Does not cheat on me" becomes an actual quality that boosts up a guy's rankings rather than an unspoken given when entering a relationship. "Will not fuck me over", "Does not have a bloated ego and a head up his ass" become moved up above the traditional "Good sense of humor" and "Smart and interesting." Rarely do you hear of a girl finding an expat guy who has achieved all these qualities at once here. There's always one. critical. flaw. But after enough time, the China goggles get foggier and foggier and standards drop lower and lower.

I once dated a guy who would announce every single time we fought that I should thank him for being such a good boyfriend because he could "go out and find a girl tonight" but thank GOD, he was so moral and so wonderful that he wouldn't. To that I wanted to scream "THANKS YOU GIGANTIC DOUCHE. Do you realize that back in our home countries I'd totally be out of your league?" But instead, I kept quiet because he was loyal and in China, that's a quality that is rarer than finding a blue diamond. It wasnt until 5 months of that shit before I realized that I would rather be back in the fray of shit guys than put up with this guy's shit one, minute longer.

So welcome to China ladies where a obtaing that healthy monogamy is apparently like getting a cool, decoder ring nowadays as your Cracker Jack prize. That is to say pretty much impossible. I mean, I can take tradeoffs: an uglier guy for a better personality, an amazingly hot guy who's brilliant but cheats because he has a low ego but FUCK! In China you have the 'tards that are both ugly AND stupid AND have the worst personalities AND yet still walks around like a pompous jackass, frontin like he's God's gift to women. I know Eve may have eaten the forbidden fruit and damned humankind for all eternity, but it's time for the punishment needs to end. It's getting to be cruel and unsual.

So these Loser Back Homes seem to come to China in droves. Upon arrival they will inevitably get an unfairly pretty Chinese girlfriend. They will then choose two paths: attach themselves to the girlfriend with the despearation of a dying leech or treat girl like shit and then cheat on her with multiple other girls that are also out of his league lookwise but are obviously on the same mental wavelength since they are too stupid to realize how much the LBH sucks.

I heard from a friend in Korea that, in Korea, expat guys usually go for the first option with then Korean girl then cleaning up and dressing him in something decent so that he then at least looks like a well dressed LBH. Hey, if you're going to be a loser, you may as wear some designer brands to make your girlfriend happy. In China, guys seem to gravitate towards the later option. It's as if they step off the plane and their brain becomes addled with the smell of cheap perfume and cheap sex in the air.

I came to China with standards I swear. What those standards were seem awfully hazy and nebulous now. I won't go as far as date LBH's but I will find myself scraping not too far from the bottom of the barrel. After all, it holds all too true that, in China, high standards won't keep you warm in a cold bed. And so I find myself dating guys whose behavior would make girls back home cringe and vomit violently with only wince and a resigned shrug. "Oh well, they are in China."


Fried Lice said...

You know you don't have to lower your standards. I don't know where you are finding these men. Maybe you are going to the wrong places? During my first two years in China, I had the same problems as you. The "pretty" Chinese girls that are so easy turn out not to be so nice if you are actually interested in having a real relationship. In the end, I figured out that meeting people in bars and dating girls that hit on me would only result in more pain and disappointment. I started going to art galleries, nice restaurants, book readings, museums, continuing-ed classes, etc. Now I have lots and lots of interesting, high quality male and female friends from China and abroad. I haven't found my special someone yet, but the future looks bright.

helena said...


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James Chang said...

So what's the problem there, lady? Huh? Why don't you just go and date some Chinese men, eh? Not good enough for you, I bet, you racist little rotten whiny piece of a bigoted sh-t.

Your Honor said...

Have you ever considered that the female expats who are shocked by the joy of the LBHs are actually overvalued at home? Let's call them Deluded & Ungrateful Back Home (DUBH).

It's simply supply and demand. In one country you have a buyers' market and in another you have a sellers'. Or men and women.

David said...

They're losers back home. Just idiots that never bother improving themselves and they go to a foreign country for a handicap. But whoomp that's you too except you don't find getting your freak on with an Asian guy appealing.

You both are the same if you ask me. Both of you groups ought to jump in a ship with the loser ABCs there too and hope it sinks.

Duke said...

If the foreigners in China are such a problem, why is it that you don't just date handsome, successful, witty, intelligent, caring, monogamous Chinese men?

xiaoxue said...

This is so accurate it hurts.
Classic! I was in the middle of writing something similar when I googled "LBH" and found your blog...
good to know we're not alone in our suffering

Paul said...

I've met a lot of angry U.S. women in Japan, and one thing I've noticed is the more attractive of them do not get this angry at the readjustment in symmetry between the power of the sexes (I hate that term, but when in Rome).